


SLIME

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-05
Updated: 2012-02-05
Packaged: 2017-10-30 16:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/333760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another of my crack stories that I am posting here so they are all in one place. In this one Cardiff is overrun with giant alien snails and slugs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. LOOK FOR A SNAIL EVERYONE.

"So, what is it?" asked Gwen, in an irritated voice.

''Slime" said Tosh, calmly.

''YEP" shouted Jack cheerfully, from above them "IT'S SLIME ALL RIGHT.''

When Gwen arrived at work that morning she had discovered Jack up a ladder, scraping something off the walls of the Hub. Tosh and Owen were below, analyzing the substance--at least--that's what they told her they were doing. There was no sign of Ianto at all.

''It's blue'' Gwen sighed ''I always thought slime should be green, or at least, yellowish."

"ALIEN SLIME" shouted Jack from above them "LOOK FOR A SNAIL EVERYONE, AS I THINK IT'S GONE DOWN THE WALL AGAIN HERE."

As Jack started to descend the ladder, Ianto appeared in view carrying a tray of coffee. He obviously didn't spot the trail of slime on the ground, skidded on it and proceeded to throw an entire tray of coffee over Owen.

''YOU BLOODY FUCKING STUPID BASTARD!" shouted Owen pleasantly, as he shook himself and splashes of hot coffee flew in all directions.

''What's this on the floor?" asked Ianto, removing his left hand from a large pile of blue slime and sniffing his fingers, ''it's disgusting." He was actually sitting in a heap of the stuff. He stood up with difficulty.

''IT'S SLIME!" shouted Jack, as he came over to Ianto and bent over to pick up the fallen coffee mugs. Ianto looked at Jack's rear and found he was no longer thinking about slime. Jack retrieved the tray and gave it to Ianto along with the mugs. "We have a snail in the Hub" he explained.

''I don't believe one small snail could produce all this" said Ianto.

"Who said anything about a small snail?" said Jack "on Bogonloo, the snails are as big as ponies.''

Gwen laughed." I thought you said Bogonloo" she said, grinning.

''I did" Jack replied, looking serious "you can eat them too--the snails--I mean--they taste great--- a bit like ducks."

Owen meanwhile had gone away to clean himself up. He returned just in time to hear Jack saying "a bit like ducks." "What are a bit like ducks?" he asked, glaring at Ianto's departing back as he went away with the, now empty, tray and mugs.

''The snails of Bogonloo'' Jack replied "they leave blue slime. I think we have one in the Hub."

"I don't believe there's actually a place called Bogonloo!'' exclaimed Owen.

''Yeh, there is'' Jack sighed ''it's on the Sinkhead Peninsula.''

''THE SINKHEAD PENINSULA?" gasped Owen and Gwen in unison.

"I don't see why you find that so unbelievable'' Jack complained.

''These things come from a place called Bogonloo on the Sinkhead Peninsula then" said Ianto with a loud sigh ''no wonder this one's so weird.''

''What are we going to do about it?" asked Tosh, ignoring all the talk of sinks and bogs and loos as best as she could, "I mean, are they dangerous? How can we catch it?"

''They're not dangerous but the slime is a bit-----inconvenient. We have to set a trap" Jack sighed "they like Gorgonzola. I've met them before, a long time ago. Someone has to go and buy a VERY large amount of Gorgonzola. Then we make the trap---and wait. It's just like catching a mouse--except you need a much bigger trap."

''The place'll stink'' Owen complained ''can't we use something else in the trap?''

Jack thought for a moment. Then he visibly brightened. "They like baked beans too" he cried happily "we need about twenty cans of baked beans."

"I HATE baked beans" Owen moaned "and why do we need 20 tins of the stuff?"

"It's a big snail" Jack explained. He was just about to elaborate a bit more when he saw something moving on the periphery of his vision. He looked around and there it was---a huge snail----drifting rapidly over the ground toward them. Jack uttered an involuntary anguished shout. His colleagues saw the snail as well then, and it was seriously huge, so they did what everyone does when they are faced with an enormous blue and red snail coming toward them------they ran away. It was fortunate that at that moment Ianto was returning with another tray of coffee. He spotted the snail-----and threw the coffee at it. That was how the inhabitants of Earth discovered that Bogonloo snails like coffee.

They all stood panting and watching the snail slurping up the fallen coffee. All too soon though the coffee was gone and the snail was on the move once more. Tosh produced a gun and aimed at the snail. Jack grabbed her arm. "Don't shoot at it'' he shouted "it's rare. We just need to catch it.''

''We need a net'' Gwen said helpfully.

''Have you got one?'' Tosh asked her.

''Of course not'' Gwen snapped ''why would I have a net?''

The snail, meanwhile, had started to climb up the walls again. It was a surprisingly fast climber. "We have to go up top and head it off'' shouted Jack, ''come on, before it gets into the streets. Bring the stun guns.''

''What did YOU do at work today?'' Ianto grumbled, as they all rushed about ''well, I chased a snail some of the time. It wasn't an ordinary snail. It was blue and red and left a trail of blue slime wherever it went--oh--and it likes Gorgonzola, baked beans and coffee.''

''Baked beans make me fart'' Jack stated, as they arrived in the street. There was no sign of the snail at first, then Owen spotted it in the distance. It seemed to be traveling around 45mph. It was soon out of sight. As they jumped into the SUV and Jack drove headlong after the snail Gwen cried out ''we wont catch it-----it's breaking the speed limit. The Police will get it.''

After only a few moments they saw the snail. It was stationery. Unfortunately it had gathered a number of friends about it. The sort of friends who are out all night and never wash and sleep under bridges. They were slumped in a group around a brazier and the snail had joined them. Some of them were feeding it with rather battered sandwiches. Jack and Owen got out of the SUV and approached the group carefully. Jack told Ianto, Gwen and Tosh to stay in the SUV unless they were needed.

''Have you known him long?'' Jack asked one of the men who was feeding the snail.

He was rewarded with a scowl. ''Course not----he's a snail----usually it's pigs-----or giant bugs----this is much nicer.''

''Er---well--'' Jack mumbled ''he's ours--- so we'll just take him away now.'' He waved his hand at Owen and the next moment the snail was gone----back to the Hub. The derelicts didn't seem to be too surprised.

''That always happens'' one of them complained ''just as you get friendly with something-----it disappears in a flash.''

Back at the Hub Tosh made a hideous discovery. The snail, now confined in a cell and eating its way through a large amount of Gorgonzola and baked beans that they had purchased for it on the way home, had evidently not arrived in Cardiff alone. It had come with friends and family.

"Reports are coming in from all over the City" Tosh explained, as her colleagues gathered around her ''weird sitings of giant snails and slug like things too. One of them went in a Pub and they threw beer at it. It swelled up and then flopped down dead. They called the Police because they don't know what to do with the body. Several have been observed climbing the walls of The Millennium Stadium and quite a large crowd have gathered.''

''We were there only a moment ago and I didn't see any snails or crowds of people either!'' snapped Owen.

''Evidently it's only happened in the last several minutes'' said Tosh ''the crowd are getting nasty--what do we do?''

''NASTY?'' Owen moaned.

''Never mind all that'' Jack sighed ''we have to take control of the situation. You stay here Tosh and keep a watch on things. Come on you lot---let's go."

''Come on you lot!" Owen grunted, as they all rushed out once more ''you've been here too long, Harkness.''

Outside they found a large crowd which was increasing rapidly. Many people were taking photographs, including a party of Japanese Tourists. Several snails and an orange colored slug that was about the size of an Alsatian dog were actually posing for photographs, leaning against a wall. Many of the snails and at least three slugs were being hand fed sandwiches and hot dogs and burgers by members of the crowd. One particularly large snail had three children on its shell and seemed to be taking them for rides, since a queue was forming. The whole area was rapidly getting covered in blue slime and quite a number of children were playing in it.

''I thought Tosh said they were getting nasty?" Gwen exclaimed, as they made their way through the crowd with difficulty.

''Evidently they realized the aliens are friendly'' said Jack ''because snails and slugs from Bogonloo are VERY social animals and they love everyone. The problem is the slime----it's very hard to remove and it sets rock hard after a day or two and if you get it on your hands-----well-----''

Ianto looked at his hands. ''I sat in it'' he said ''and I'm fine.''

Jack grinned at him. ''Just you wait then'' he said ''we ARE in for a good time later!''

''Why?'' Ianto gasped ''what's going to happen?''

Jack laughed. ''I can't wait'' he said unhelpfully.

They fought their way to the Police who were trying to stop the chaos with no success at all. "Torchwood'' he announced in a business like fashion ''we'll take over now.''

''Good luck '' said one of the Policemen.


	2. I had this boyfriend. He could do somersaults with his hands wrapped around his neck.

Ten hours later the members of Torchwood Three staggered into the Hub. They had finally rounded up all the slugs and snails. Luckily the Public had joined in with every appearance of enjoyment and various Cardiff streets saw the amazing sight of around 750 people chasing giant slugs and snails around the city center. The slugs and snails had kept on the ground and every now and again had paused to allow the people to catch them up again. Everyone was covered in slime and reporters and photographers and camera crews from all over the country and later all over the World had joined in the fun. As time passed a number of stray dogs had attached themselves to the crowd too. Many people started to slip in the slime and the younger members of the crowd threw slime at each other as well. It was easily the most fun time anyone could ever remember having.

''Phew'' said Jack, wiping a slime covered hand over his slime covered hair ''that was fun.''

"You said we shouldn't get it on our hands'' Gwen pointed out, in a worried voice ''and we're covered in it from head to foot.''

''It doesn't kill you or anything'' Jack said, calmly.

''What does it do then?'' asked Gwen ''and anyhow, YOU can't die. Why should YOU worry about being killed?''

''I don't ENJOY dying'' Jack muttered. He stood up with difficulty owing to the slime on his boots. ''I need to take a shower'' he added.

''I thought you said they were rare too'' Owen moaned ''and we've caught 29 of the damn things. We have to feed them now. It'll cost a fortune. It already HAS cost a fortune!"

''Let's go take showers'' said Jack, ignoring the question of money as he usually did. He made his way to the showers followed by Ianto, Gwen and Owen all complaining about the slime. Once there they all started to strip rapidly. The question of modesty did not arise since Jack didn't have any anyhow and the others were so desperate to rid themselves of slime they didn't care who saw what. Once the four of them were naked they made an unfortunate and inconvenient discovery. Only one shower appeared to be in full working order. Getting four adult humans into one shower cubicle proved to be quite possible however, although it was a squash. Such was their eagerness to remove the slime they didn't even consider taking turns. Washing was difficult though and Tosh was rewarded by a fascinating scene as she watched her colleagues activities on CCTV. The conversations she heard were interesting too.

\--GET OFF ME, JACK.

\--I'm not on you.

\--Well someone is.

\--Don't put that there.

\--I didn't put it there, it just went there on its own.

\--Pass me the shampoo.

\--In a moment.

\--Don't put it down there.

\--I can't reach my feet, move your butt Owen.

\--I can't. Gwen's leaning on it.

\--I AM NOT. It just got in my way.

\--Why is your hair red?

\--What hair?

\--It should be black.

\--I dye it.

\--Why?

\--I used to shave it off. Then I had this boyfriend. He could do somersaults with his hands wrapped around his neck. He liked red hair.

\--When was this?

\--Oh, around 1910 I think.

\--Stop doing that Owen.

\--I'm not doing anything.

\--Yes you are. I can feel you doing it so stop.

\--I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING BUT IF I AM IT'S YOUR FAULT!

\--Mine's bigger than yours.

\--No it isn't.

\--It is.

\--No it isn't.

\--Shut up, it's what you do with it that counts, not the size.

\--Only people with small ones say that.

\--What I want to know is how you got slime there?

\--It gets everywhere.

\--How did it get there then?

\--It must have been when I pissed behind the Stadium.

\--But how did it get there?

\--I don't know. I may have just rubbed it a bit.

\--Harkness, you are disgusting.

\--It takes one to know one and mine's bigger.

\---Alright. Yours is the biggest in the known Universe. Happy now?

\--Men. Sometimes you make me sick.

\--Pass me that large towel, Ianto.

\--Don't do that Jack. At least, not in front of other people.

Tosh watched fascinated as her four colleagues toweled themselves dry. She expected them to dress after that but they didn't, instead Jack sat down on a chair and immediately Ianto sat down on him, facing him. Then they kissed. Gwen and Owen stood naked watching them. They were, somewhat weirdly, holding hands.

''Let's fuck'' said Ianto, running his tongue over Jack's neck and moving down onto his chest.

''No'' said Jack ''let's make love.''

''Yes'' Ianto answered as his mouth found Jack's right nipple and began to worry it.

Owen and Gwen swung their joined hands back and forth like kids in a playground. "Shall we stay here?" Gwen asked, her eyes never leaving Jack and Ianto for a moment.

''Yeh," Owen responded ''I want to watch this.''

Jack and Ianto put some energy into their kissing and would have moved onto more exciting activities except Ianto suddenly noticed that his hands were covered in blue slime again. He leaned away from Jack and examined himself. To his horror, blue slime seemed to be oozing from the palms of his hands. He gave a shout of anguish and jumped to his feet.

Jack gazed at him with amazement. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Ianto?" he asked, crossly.

"SLIME!" shouted Ianto, in an horrified tone "it's happening to you too!"

Jack gazed at his hands. ''Oh that'' he said calmly.

''I'M GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAIL!" shouted Ianto, in an uncharacteristic panic.

"Don't be idiotic" snapped Jack unsympathetically ''it's just a side effect. It doesn't last long. If you piss it'll be blue too but it is fun in another way----"

''WHAT WAY?" yelled Ianto "HOW CAN OOZING SLIME BE FUN?"

''I'll show you'' said Jack, and he stood up and proceeded to climb up the wall. The bottoms of his feet were oozing slime as well and it enabled Jack to cling to the wall and climb without difficulty. He went across the ceiling too. After a few moments of shock it was agreed that the walls of the main Hub were better for climbing purposes and so the four of them went to see. A matter of moments later Tosh was treated to the unusual sight of her four colleagues, naked, climbing the walls of the Hub. They all left trails of slime wherever they went too.


	3. I just want to know how to get our baby off the ceiling.

In Cardiff homes all over the City, unbeknown to the members of Torchwood Three, little dramatic scenes were being enacted. Mothers of toddlers suddenly discovered their infants hanging by one hand from the ceiling. Children were to be seen climbing over roofs and up brick walls. Teenagers poured out of their usual haunts and climbed up the sheer sides of Office buildings. The Police found themselves on the receiving end of some seriously weird phone calls---

\---He's on the roof now. I don't know how he got there. He's NEVER climbed a roof before. He's an old dog--he's eleven. Oh, and the roof is covered with that blue stuff too. You know--it's everywhere.

\--- Do I need to call the Fire Brigade? Well, it's my wife. She's half way up our back wall. She's got bare feet-- and the wall's covered in blue slime.

\---I called the Fire Brigade but they didn't answer. I think they're busy. It's our Suzie. She's only a kitten. She's on the roof of next doors extension. She ran up the wall to get there. Straight up the wall.

\---I want to report a crime. They're up there now. Four of them. They've got a sack of stuff. I think they got in a window. Yes, I know it's six stories high. They climbed up the wall.

\---My kids won't come down off the roof and the neighbors are complaining. They're throwing slime.

\---I just want to know how to get our baby off the ceiling. Yes, he's a baby. He's nine months old. My wife's gone out with the other kids. Last time I saw them they were running up the wall of the Church Hall.

The Millennium Stadium was literally covered in people of all ages, shapes and sizes. Down in the street below, numerous Camera crews from all over the World were reporting the scene. People were taking hundreds of photographs and tourists were getting autographs when some of the climbers descended for a rest. In the Hub, only Tosh was concerned at the turn of events. The others were too busy showing off their climbing skills. Myfanwy was obviously very alarmed at suddenly finding her nest surrounded by naked humans. She kept circling the Hub over and over again, shrieking loudly. Ianto, in particular, found the nest very interesting, if rather smelly.

''Look at this" Ianto shouted, as Jack joined him in Myfanwy's nest ''I've been looking for this coffee pot for ages------and here's my green tie---urg--it stinks.''

''I'm going down now'' said Jack, leaning over the edge of the nest and seeing the huge drop to the ground ''I'm starting to feel dizzy--I think it's wearing off--the effect of the slime I mean---we don't want to get stuck up here.''

Unfortunately, out in the city, the general population, happy in their new found skills, didn't realize that these skills were very temporary. As a result, the Emergency Services found themselves dealing with a vast number of unusual cases of people and animals stuck in odd places and unable to move. It was only by sheer luck that no-one was killed or severely injured.

The next morning the Newspapers had some strange stories, with dramatic headlines ---FIRE BRIGADE RESCUE GOAT ON CLOCK TOWER----DRAMATIC RESCUE OF TODDLER TRAPPED HALF WAY UP TELEGRAPH POLE see page 2 for story----BLUE SLIME BRINGS TRAFFIC TO A STANDSTILL-----STADIUM CLOSED DUE TO SLIME----POLICE CONSTABLE DISCOVERED IN SLIME PIT--- and of course----PENSIONER FINDS GIANT SLUG IN BATHROOM----''He was just in there", reported Mrs Jessie Jones, aged 74, "sitting on my toilet, whistling and reading my local paper". Mrs Jones explained that in her opinion it was all the fault of that well known secret organization Torchwood. ''They bring in all sorts of stuff through that drift of theirs'' she told our reporter ''I've seen them at night when I'm out walking the dog. I've seen them and those tweezels and bowships too."

''We have to be more careful in future" Jack told his team as they sat reading the newspapers brought in by a thoughtful Ianto ''next time they come just shoot them right away.''

''I WANTED to shoot it'' shouted Tosh 'YOU stopped me.''

''What good would that have been?" Owen moaned "he wasn't the only one!''

''What I want to know'' said Gwen, with a sigh ''is what are we going to do with the ones we have downstairs?''

''We could always sell them for meat" Jack suggested with a grin. He ducked as the others all threw things at him. ''I WAS JOKING'' he shouted, desperately.

''We'll find a crack and send them all through, like we always do'' said Tosh calmly ''and I hope we don't get any more. That slime is so HARD to clean up.''

In the City Center a vast army of street cleaners would have been in total agreement. Blue Slime was VERY hard to clean up. {So, if any visitors to Cardiff tread in something blue on the ground they'll know what caused it, won't they?}

 

THE END.


End file.
